Contemporary Love

In the quiet moments between leaky bathroom pipes and unstable neighbors, been thinking about 'happiness' the last few days. Understandable, being so close to marrying the woman who is linked to mine.

Scientists obsess over reducing the universe to a single formula, a final theory of all theories. We aren't much different when it comes to finding the ultimate secret of 'happiness'. Are you happy? Who wouldn't want a nickel for every time they've been asked. And our concern over it starts young. I remember cruising the streets late at night in a Ford Galaxy with my best high school friend discussing the topic. We were musicians though and the best we could do was to figure 'happiness' was one of those secrets older people talked about when we were out of the room.

Things got easier in the 90's. We had a simple economic model to follow. More was better. Our happiness, and that of those around us, could be quantified by our bank accounts, cars, homes, clothes and toys. The sale of lottery tickets soared.

But observation of the rich didn't support the theory. They seemed as depressed, if not more so, than the rest of us. The wealthy justified their efforts to become and stay rich by arguing that at least it was nice to be miserable in comfort. But those of us with more common sense and less wealth wondered if the personal sacrifice it took to become wealthy was adequately repaid by the ability to afford Prozac.

Thought I got lucky today. Found an article on the MSN site entitled, "Secret of Happiness Explained" (page no longer available onlilne). Unfortunately, the author fails to tell us what it means to be happy. Without knowing that it's hard to tell if the secret has any value. Happiness, according to an economist named Easterlin, is to be found by paying more attention to family life and personal health, as opposed to the economic model or the 'happiness meter' model the author claims is advanced by psychologists. A new approach to finding happiness is needed, says Easterlin. But, how do we measure the success of the search if we have no clear idea of what happiness is?

My guess is that we'll continue to be frustrated in defining and achieving happiness as long as we assume it's a state of being or a feeling. Contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, and such, are easy to put your finger on, but happiness seems to be more than a momentary thing, unless you're a pig or a buffalo for which contentment might be the ticket.

My second guess is that happiness is a way of being, not a state of being. That it comes about by doing things, not feeling things. And it probably comes about by doing certain things and not others. Maybe it's like being a musician. You're a musician when you're playing music, doing music, not when you're talking about it or feeling good listening to it. Sure, it makes you feel good to do it, there can be contentment, satisfaction, and pleasure, but not necessarily and not always.

Maybe we've overcomplicated the issue. Could be that the secret is nothing more than living an active, healthy life - doing active healthy things. You want to be happy? Then do happy. All the people I've met I'd consider happy, and they are to be found in all walks of life, had that in common. They had discipline and pursued the things they felt had value with persistence and determination. And the things they felt had value, and this could be the real "secret", without exception were things that nurtured themselves and others.

It's natural to think about some of the big questions on the eve of your marriage. I feel blessed to have found someone with whom I truly want to share the rest of my life. Wanting my Proverb to be happy, and every other good thing, got me thinking about what it means to be happy. I'm not sure about the big picture, but I know that loving her and attending to her well-being is a central part of my answer.