Contemporary Love

Contemporary life seems obsessed with romance and romantic love, making them appear essential to happy, satisfied living; an attitude that helps explain how divorce lawyers in California can afford to send their children to the finest private schools and one that I'm sure hasn't hurt the pharmaceutical industry.

We're bombarded with a simple message -- Billy and Suzy are happy when romantically involved and miserable when they're not. Life for Billy and Suzy without romantic love is devoid of value and meaning. We sit in theaters for two hours and watch Billy and Suzy engage in incredible behavior until their drive for romantic fulfillment is satisfied five to ten minutes before the final credits roll. Lucky dogs. Billy and Suzy now have lives worth living.

Our friends are no help. Those not romantically involved seem seriously involved with depression and the real life lucky dogs we know who become romantically involved seem able to talk about nothing else but how wonderful life can be.

On the other hand, when the couples we know who have been married ten years or more, rare species that they are, extol the virtues of married life without use of the words "romance" or "romantic", we get the feeling they're like those people who stand in a cold ocean, turn blue, then wave to their friends on the shore and yell, "Come on in, the water's fine."

Wait a minute. Is this Adverb, husband of Proverb, the romantic devil who normally posts about what a lucky dog he is, speaking cynically about romance and romantic love?

Yes.

Why? Because it seems to me, when thinking about "healthy relationships", that an unhealthy attitude toward the importance of romance and romantic love is a huge handicap for anyone interested in creating a healthy relationship. It often seems we grasp for romantic love in desperation, giving it the importance of air to the drowning man.

I suspect that when we talk about healthy relationships we usually put the cart before the horse. Relationships that have the best chance of starting, staying, or, becoming healthy are probably those that contain two independently healthy individuals. Before focusing on what constitutes a healthy couple, we should have some understanding of what it means to be a healthy individual.

That's not to say that romance and romantic love should be reserved for only perfectly healthy people. The power of love is curative, and good arguments can be made for thinking that no individual or couple is ever perfectly healthy; that health (like love) is a process, not a static state of being.

Meanwhile, there's another thought that too often goes unsaid. Despite what the Beatles and Hollywood lead us to believe, it is possible to live a very happy and rewarding life without romance or romantic love.

I'm not just talking about the rare Mother Teresas of the world. I'm talking about each and every one of us. Life does not have to be a cold and lonely place. We are not "alone" if we live without a romantic significant other. There are deep, serious, and extremely rewarding forms of love that have nothing to do with romance. It is only a life without the presence of any form of healthy love that should be avoided.

This obsession we have with romantic love reminds me of a 60's "romantic love" song recorded by Peter and Gordon, "A World Without Love".

"I don't care what they say
I won't stay in a world without love

Please lock me away
And don't allow the day
Here inside, where I hide with my loneliness
I don't care what they say, I won't stay
In a world without love

Birds sing out of tune
And rain clouds hide the moon
I'm OK, here I stay with my loneliness
I don't care what they say, I won't stay
In a world without love

So I wait, and in a while
I will see my true love smile
She may come, I know not when
When she does, I'll lose
So baby until then..."
(Copyright, J. Lennon and P. McCartney)

We know what type of love the poor soul is living without. Caught in this situation, Lennon and McCartney would have us remove ourselves from the general population. That's not to say there would be no positive benefit. The traffic problem in L.A. would be solved overnight.

That "love" is important to a life worth living is a thought we can take to the bank. What gets us in trouble is assuming that the only form of love that makes life worth living is the romantic variety.

I am not arguing against romantic love. My opinion is simply that we have put it on a pedestal and lost perspective.

Enough for one entry. I'll end it by giving equal time to a pop song, recorded by the Hollies, with a more universal point of view, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother".

"The road is long, with many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where,
Who knows where
But I'm strong, strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go, his welfare is my concern
No burden is he to bare, we'll get there
For I know he would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all, I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road from which there is no return
While we're on the way to there, why not share
And the load doesn't weigh me down at all

He ain't heavy, he's my brother"
(Copyright B. Russell and B. Scott)