Contemporary Love

By nature we desire incompatible things. We fear isolation. We are a social animal. Yet, at the same time, we fear conformity and the loss of identity. We want both social contact and individuality. We are nonconforming conformists. We want everything, to an uncertain, cloudy, degree. Intimacy, but only so much, individuality, but not complete separation. We constantly modulate between the needs for connection and separation.

We are never satisfied.

Affluent society offers us all manner of physical and social satisfaction, yet, we want more. We're well fed but constantly hungry. Some is good, more is better, too much is disgusting.

That's the bad news.

The good news is, this is what gets us out of bed in the morning.

Nature gives us what we need, not what we want. If we were an easily satisfied species capable of long term contentment, creatures with longer teeth and stronger muscles would have wiped us out long ago. Intelligence is a fine thing, a necessary tool in our survival kit, but intelligence alone is not enough to get the job done. Conflict, anger, tension, anxiety, greed, dissatisfaction, fear, these are what inspire us to put our intellectual potential to work. The use of fire and sharp-edged weapons wasn't the result of idle curiosity.

We are anti-social, social animals. This duality is bound to cause discomfort. What's good for the species isn't necessarily good for the individual. But, imagine if we were completely social, without a trace of stubborn individuality or competitiveness.

"Without qualities of an unsocial kind. . .men might have led an Arcadian shepherd life in complete harmony, contentment, and mutual love; but in that case all their talents would have forever remained hidden in their germ. Thanks be then to nature for this unsociableness, for the envious jealousy and vanity, for this insatiable desire for possession and for power...Man wishes concord; but nature knows better what is good for his species; and she wills discord, in order that man may be compelled to a new exertion of his powers, and to further development of his natural capacities." [Immanuel Kant, "The Natural Principle of the Political Order Considered in Connection with the Idea of a Universal Cosmopolitical History", 1784]

Anxiety, anger, discomfort, tension, even emotional pain, serve a useful purpose. I may realize that I'm neglecting to do something that would be in my best interest, but until that neglect stirs up anger in me toward myself I fail to do anything about it. While reason helps us "understand" the situation, emotional pain or discomfort gets us off our butt. If you want to move a crowd to action, it's more important that they feel your point of view than understand it.

But what do we do? We focus on the negative side of dissatisfaction, on the fact that it makes us feel bad. Of course it does. That's its purpose. It's our emotional side telling us we better wake up and act. It's not just "OK" to experience dissatisfaction, tension, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, etc., it's unavoidable and helps us grow and improve our situation.

But strong emotion also has a darker side.

Sometimes the emotional prodding or warning our nature sends us is too strong, strong to the point of being destructive. Emotion only wants one thing -- the problem solved now, solved completely, and solved in our favor -- and is ready, willing and able to use unrelenting violence to get it done. Emotion demands action and is satisfied with nothing less than complete victory.

Hopefully, reason steps in and says, slow down emotion, you have a point, but let's think before we act. Overreaction, for reasons x, y, and z, could cause more problems than it would solve. Reason and emotion form a system of check and balance. On a good day.

On a bad day, anything is possible.

If we're interested in avoiding the chaos and destruction an unbalanced state of reason and emotion can cause, we first have to solve a fundamental riddle. What is it that the motivation of emotion and the tool of intelligence are trying to accomplish? What basic purpose do they serve when in a healthy state? Until we know their goal, it's impossible to say when reason and emotion have become unbalanced and acting against us instead of for us.

There seems be a simple answer -- survival of the species. Nothing more, nothing less, with no concern for any individual's benefit or harm. Nature endows a species with what the species needs (in our case, reason and emotion instead of teeth and muscle) to have its best shot at surviving in a hostile and competitive environment. Nature's sole concern is with its own survival, the continuation of living things regardless of species.

If we end our examination with this view of "the big picture", we are left without rule, law or guidance, a lapse in thinking that has caused more pain and suffering among human beings than anything ever done by nature alone. If we stop here, we have the point of view that mere survival is everything and justifies everything -- survival of the fittest, ends justify means, might makes right, etc.

Fortunately, if we take a slightly closer look, we see that nature has a little more to say on the subject.

While nature gives each species what it needs to survive in a harsh, competitive environment, each species only survives when its natural tools are in a healthy state compatible with its environment. If a lion loses its teeth, it dies. If the antelope loses its ability to run, it is eaten by the lion that has teeth.

Our natural tools are reason and emotion. When they are in a healthy state, we flourish. When they are not, we destroy ourselves and those around us. When power is coupled with an unhealthy state, there is no limit to the potential destruction.

What is the healthy state of reason and emotion? When they are balanced so that we act in ways that support our personal growth and progress and that of others. Healthy individuals and healthy species survive, and the tools given to man by nature have an element not seen elsewhere; not only are our tools designed to help us survive, they have the capacity to allow us, and we have the natural desire to, survive well.

It's usually easy to distinguish the unhealthy from the healthy in nature, outside of our own species. Healthy flowers grow, show color, bloom, etc. Unhealthy flowers wither and die. Animals, likewise, are quick to show an unhealthy state. But the healthy state of man is not merely physical. Many, if not most, physical handicaps seldom stop the growth in an individual of what is truly human, our unique combination of intellect and emotion.

Our goal shouldn't be freedom from discomfort or pain, it should be learning how to harmonize our reason and emotions so that they help and not harm.